• Anya,

      I know you’re going to hate me for sending this by mail rather than in person, but I think it’s for the best. I wasn’t completely truthful with you about why I broke it off with you and I think I may have misled you about how seriously I don’t want to be with you. First, let me get the obvious out of the way. I really like you, and I genuinely haven’t felt this way about a girl in many years. No other girl has swept me off my feet like you, and I believe you’re a special girl. The truth, however, is that getting into a relationship (even if superficial) is not in our best interest – or at least not mine. I finalized my decision for graduate school yesterday, and chances are I’m leaving the first week of June. I care for you deeply, and I think you might care about me too, and given the incipient emotional attachment, I don’t think it will be conducive to anything but greater pain for you and me. It’s best that you hate me now, forget about me soon after, and then move on to heal. Yes, it’s the coward’s way out, and you’re more than justified to call me that, but Anya, I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have. It pains me, yet there is no point in making this messier than it already is. I am hurting too like you have no idea because I do think you’re a once in a life time girl (not much of a consolation I understand), and I am crawling with regret and anguish. Compounding this thought is that I don’t believe in long-distance relationships and I doubt you and I can establish anything meaningful within the following six weeks, especially given that you’re leaving for Mexico, effectively cutting our time by a third.

      The second reason, and perhaps the reason you will hate me the most for has to do with my belief that trouble begets trouble. Given how open you are to drugs and drinking, I feel uncomfortable opening myself to the trouble you get yourself into because I feel it may turn me into someone I am not. On a very personal level, I dislike who you associate with and their influence on you. Granted, I fell for you as a person, and this is part of your personality, and I know you might say that it hasn’t affected you, that you don’t drink much, or even that you might change, but I don’t think it’s worth the risk over a relationship that will end shortly. Echoing this sentiment and others in this note, I think for both of our sake, I also think that we should not communicate with one another anymore and we should just move on with our lives. I won’t blame you if you hate me, as I feel that you’re justified (more empty consolations). I admit, I am hurting, and I’m hurting badly and this is really the most inappropriate way to end things, but I need to protect myself as much as I want to protect you from me. On some level I hope you’ll understand, but it’s the truth and I expect you to hate me. It’s okay, you’re justified.

      -Chris
  • 12 hours ago
    Anya Pechenina
    • You are still such a child. I told you about drinking precisely because I wanted to know whether or not you would pass a judgment on me. And you did. I don't want to associate with people that don't accept me fully for who I am. I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict. I am not going to explain my self and hope that you will grace me with your affections.

      On that note, I don't hate you, but I do think you are fundamentally wrong and your logic is flawed. You can't claim that I made you like the person that I am because you don't know the person that I am, as much as I don't know who you are. We never had a conversation that would open us up for each other.

      In this message I am reading excuses. Excuses not to open up. You are scared of getting hurt and much too idealistic. It's okay. I used to be this way. People that drink - trouble, people I don't like make anyone I do like that associate with them unacceptable for my company. It is called being a snob. I would not hold hands with kids in kindergarten because they had gross nails, and wouldn't use spoons or forks in other people's houses, I had to have everything my way.

      I wonder why do you judge everyone so harshly? May be it is because of inexperience, or it could be a symptom of a closed mind. And as you said trouble begets trouble, I am terrified to find my self with a man with a closed mind, that can never be fixed. Here is my judgement: saying that you respect me but then blowing me off as if I don't deserve a conversation in person is the most blatant form of disrespect.

      In terms of communication, don't worry you are free to protect your self from me and the problems I could bring.

      On the bright side, before you unleashed the mudslide of the terrible things that I am on me, I got a glimpse of something that I cherish. You allowed me to feel something I didn't think I could feel for someone anymore. I also thought I saw a beautiful person that you are deep on the inside. I hope one day you are able to free your self from the box of fear that you stuffed your self into. Or may be I was just dead wrong about you as a person.

      You may have a spotless reputation and a great graduate committee, but is that all you need to be happy? And I am not even talking about relationships now, more about your attitude toward the people. Think about it.

      Anya